nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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