Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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