is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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