My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
