If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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