I faked an abortion last night.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize