I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
