peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
