I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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