dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize