I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
