and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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