ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
