My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
