The maid of honor just puked.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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