you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
