There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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