so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
