god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
