I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
