So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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