dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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