Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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