just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
