My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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