and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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