I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
