There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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