Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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