My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
