did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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