I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
