how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
