Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
