I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
