Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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