so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize