I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
tell me about the eggs
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
