Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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