McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
