Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's blow job season.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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