I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
