how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
