please come you make the beer taste better
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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