I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize