He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
