never play flip cup with pint glasses
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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