I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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