I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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