I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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