Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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