I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Randomize
