my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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