I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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