nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
