We named our party play list daddy issues
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
