Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
