Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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