i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
